Friday, February 7, 2014

I Remember that night when I realized I'm really doing this

21 days until my last day at my company. I spent today, in an office, literally an ivory tower, in the sky. The entire day was on the telephone, watching rain pelt the window to my office and wild, chameleon clouds roll past me as I navigated the giant hairball of policy that is the modern corporation.  At long last, I succeeded in fulfilling my client's rather simple request. I haven't accomplished anything really, simply the satisfaction of having the fortitude to badger people until I got my way.

So, here I sit, struggling to plan this project. It keeps evolving and changing as I post some of the things I've written over the past few years. Perhaps there is more of "me" in this after all. Perhaps I do want to tell my story as well as his. It feels strangely narcissistic but necessary. His story will be necessary but not sufficient to quell the ache in me. This is after all, really about me.

Who really wants to hear about a child, like any other, who lost someone dear to her and with it the innocent belief that really horrific things happen to good people everyday and God or whomever allows it? I once heard someone say that "childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies." Ok, I admit it, it's the opening line from Breaking Dawn. It rings true for me though. Maybe I want to capture who I was before I left that kingdom forever.

Maybe it's time for me to just let something happen and see what it becomes. It reminds me of Hegel, the divine constantly thinking and willing itself into existence in the eternal state of becoming. It's not the same as this new age "presence" or "mindfulness". It's more than that, it is thought with intention - a divine loop of creativity in which I can chose to participate or watch.

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